Joke

[Sharon]

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer
there ..he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!" A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds, "He had a hat." :rolleyes:

[beenie509]

Good one!!!! LOL

[Sharon]

Thanks! :D

[Soupy_1us]

>> Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
>> reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
>> The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
>> changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
>>
>> This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
>> council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
>> No go.
>>
>> Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
>>
>> Thumbs down again.
>>
>> Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no
>> good.
>> Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."
>>
>> Unacceptable again.
>>
>> So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
>>
>> ; "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
>>
>> "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
>>
>> "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
>>
>> "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
>>
>> Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
>>
>> "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
>>
>> Everyone loved it!!
>>
>> No trees were killed in the sending of this message.
>> However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced
>>
>>
>>

[Soupy_1us]

A guy is 60 something years old and loves to fish. He was
> sitting in his
> boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick
> me up."
> *
> He looked around and couldn't see any one. He
> thought he
> was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
> "Pick me up."
> He looked in the water and there, floating on the
> top, was a frog.
> *
> The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
> *
> The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me
> up.
> Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful
> woman you
> have ever seen. I'll then give you more
> pleasure that you
> ever could have dreamed of."
> *
> The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
> over,
> picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front
> breast pocket.
> *
> Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you
> hear what I said?
> I said kiss me and I will l give you
> pleasures like you have never had."
> *
> He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
> "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." :D

[Mutt]

HEHE Hey soupy is that last one a story about you??? ok Now I need to hide wonder if Sharon would hide me. hehe

[Soupy_1us]

Now do you really think I'm gonna tell something on me?


(not unless it's stupid)

[Sharon]

Runnnnnn mutt runnnnnnnnn :p

Talking frogs.. seems all I ever get is tad poles........... WITH warts! :mad:

[Mickey and Jim]

Oh, So you go for the young ones

[Sharon]

Oh, So you go for the young ones


Nooooo, just happened that way this last time.... I go for breathing :p

[Mickey and Jim]

I've been reading the Redneck Dictionary II and I'm having a hard time understanding it, I spent all that time in school learning the right way to say a word, And to read this book you have to mispronounce words. I bearlee kin speal rite now withowt tying to dew it wrng it;s hard to unlearn once uwe due it the right way.

[Sharon]

I've been reading the Redneck Dictionary II and I'm having a hard time understanding it, I spent all that time in school learning the right way to say a word, And to read this book you have to mispronounce words. I bearlee kin speal rite now withowt tying to dew it wrng it;s hard to unlearn once uwe due it the right way.


Hahahaha.......... heres yer sign! :p

[Soupy_1us]

Jim: Just let nature take her coarse.... It'll come back to ya ifin' ya got it in ya to start with.

[Sharon]

I actually liked my Mother-in-law.... but this is too funny!!


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
“My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[Rainman4u2]

OMG!!! That was to funny.

Ray

[Sharon]

It still cracks me up! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/MidFlaGal/fun%20pages/silly%20icons/biglaugh.gif

[Sharon]

A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS!!!!!!

A Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white." :mad:

[Sharon]

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.


There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301.

I will Buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, & with you elbow pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."



"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all These buttons with my elbow"?





"What. . . . You comma empty handed ??? "

[Sharon]

An Army Airborne Ranger Saves Life of Air Force Officer During
Horse-Back Riding Mishap Sacramento, CA., May 17, 2007

An Air Force Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he
decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior
experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately
sprang into motion. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace,
the Captain began to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabbed for
the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his
arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the
horse anyway!
The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away
from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot
became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as his head struck against the ground over and
over and over.
As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere
moments away from unconsciousness and being trampled or beaten to death,
to his great fortune an Army Sergeant shopping at Wal-Mart saw him and
quickly unplugged the horse.

[Sharon]

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"


She answered

(Continue below - This is great)
















"THE TEETH."

:icon_lol:

[mhaire]

Oh, my husband was just telling me this joke..It's cute..

[KAT]

Nooooo, just happened that way this last time.... I go for breathing :p


*GIGGLES!!!!*** She's lieing!!! She really like them young..
Oh and guys -- Love the jokes!!!

[Sharon]

This one reminded me of Capt Kirk and Mutt.. dont ask me why :confused0024: LOL

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,

"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"


"Why?" she asks.


"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


:icon_razz:

[KAT]

Ma!! You're a nut!! That one is cute though :icon_biggrin:

[Sharon]

Its Capt Kirks fault :confused0024: LOL

[Sharon]

1981 & 2005 - two interesting years.


Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died


Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned:
The next time Prince Charles gets married... someone warn the Pope

[KAT]

GOOD GRIEF!!! :fighting0038: he better watch out. *giggles*

[Sharon]

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone.

OK, I confess, I did #10 :icon_razz:

[Kermit]

Sharon is always out there to show us the way. And #9 is true for me.

[KAT]

Ok # 16 -- i believe is now my number.. good grief!

[Sharon]

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?


FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
****, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TECA:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem

SERENITY NOW: CENTURY VILLAGE - LYONS ROAD:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Largo
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[Sharon]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house. He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time: this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY ! IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

A little voice came out of the box. "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

[Sharon]

Pooch Café by Paul Gilligan
http://assets.aarp.org/internal/advertisement/newsletter/webletter_070607_poc070704.gif (http://assets.aarp.org/internal/advertisement/newsletter/webletter_070607_poc070704.gif)

[Sharon]

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside.
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis...and a brain?

[Sharon]

ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH LADIES??????

you may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!

When you have
to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile
politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the
wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for
the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is
handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,
but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom
would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
" The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to
shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what
you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear
your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat,
you would have KNOWN
there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday
- the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The
door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt
up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact
with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU
never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appal led if she knew,
because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could
get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire
hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this
point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at
the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED
it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell
her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What
took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other
gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the
door!

[Sharon]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

[Iceman]

:party0045::party0045::party0045:

good ones sharon :confused0068: