A Little Kentucky Humor

[Soupy_1us]

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in Kentucky near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his rifle and took careful aim.

Before he could pull the trigger, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly set his rifle back down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years it just felt like the right thing to do. "

[Sharon]

Ohhh man that was bad http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/MidFlaGal/fun%20pages/silly%20icons/shocked-smiley-9450.gif
but funny :p

[Soupy_1us]

I know,I know, you've heard this one.... But it's a good one.


Fishin' in Kentucky
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with
two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its
fishing.
The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them
there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right
back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says,
"Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Kentucky rednecks may not be as smart as some
city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[4rum]

Couple of good'uns there Soupy. Thanks for the chuckles:D

[T Bartels]

Heard both of them with small variations but it still cracks me up every time!!!!:D :D :D

[Kermit]

Great one soupy. Started the day off right.

[Soupy_1us]

Why Kentucky Men don't write Dear Abby


Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what
Could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that
my
wife has been
Cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but, if I answer, the
caller hangs up. My
Wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when
I
ask their names
She always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them." I
always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was.
She went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone
again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never
approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
Down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went
out
again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when
She came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley,
that
I noticed
That the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?
Thanks, Bob

[mhaire]

That was funny....

[Soupy_1us]

All RIGHT ! Another "FAN"....Welcome to the group "MHAIRE"

[wewamohawk]

i see he was proud of his harley i hope got it fixed the wewamohawk ha ha

[Soupy_1us]

>>> DO NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall ...........!
>>>
>>>A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed
>>>policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
>>>
>>>The cop asked, "What's he like?"
>>>
>>>The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, He likes "JackDaniels whiskey and women with big puppies."

[Soupy_1us]

A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one
check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only
one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

[Soupy_1us]

I'll post it before anybody else does.



Hang on to any of the new Kentucky Quarters. If you have them, they
may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Kentucky
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each
state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new
quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending
machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem
lies in the unique design of the Kentucky quarter, which was designed
by a team of Kentucky specialists. Apparently, the duct tape holding
the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines. :party0010::party0011::party0010:

[Kermit]

Soupy, yet again you have reminded me why i am glad i don't live in Kentucky

[Soupy_1us]

Well, I kinda thought that maybe I could get all the Hillbilly slurs posted here on this part of the site.......................But, it looks like I gotta do it all and live here too..

[Soupy_1us]

>>After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an
old
>>hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big cit y.
>>
>>In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
>>having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
>>"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
>>
>>He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on
>>the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he
>>hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
>>he would go there and look at it.
>>
>>His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One
>
>>day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
> mirror.
>>
>>As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b_ _ _ _
>>_ he's runnin' around with."

:confused0024: I don't write,Ijust post 'em.:confused0024:

[gofish]

jus terrible , soupy.......lol.....fell plum off my chair laughin on that one

[Timotha7]

I like that one Soups!

[Soupy_1us]

Thank ya Tim.....
Here's s'more but, I forgot where this one come from...


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentucky, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ..
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE
FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE.":confused0068:

[Iceman]

:party0045::party0011::happy0194:

[gofish]

postin this one bove my puter,my kind of "politically correct":evilgrin0039:

[Soupy_1us]

Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "How You
Can Be the Man of Your House."
He put down the book and stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and
my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You
will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will
massage my feet and
hands. And tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..

.
The wife replied, "The Funeral Director would be my first guess.":confused0068::evilgrin0039:

[Timotha7]

She must be reading from the "Book of Beenie"
LOL

[Soupy_1us]

That was the first thing that come to my mind too... :evilgrin0025:

[Soupy_1us]

A Kentucky farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door."Is your dad home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?" "No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with mom and dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad." "Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.":confused::confused0056:

[Soupy_1us]

> > A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in
> >Kentucky, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
> >
> > He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is
>>
> > a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to
> > prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
> >
> > Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
> >
> > Lawyer says, "What for?"
> >
> > Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
> > sign."
> >
> > Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
> >
> > Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License
> > and registration, please."
> >
> > Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
> >
> > Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete
> > stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
> >
> > Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
> > down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
> > me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
> >
> > Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
> >
> > At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
> > beating the ever-loving dickens out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all
> > want me to stop or just slow down?" :confused0018:

[Soupy_1us]

This one might get censured or removed but I'll post it anyhow.....Just funny.....and something that would happen to us guys !


A little boy came down to breakfast one day. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pi**ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" Why don't I have any milk in my cereal, he asks? "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" :confused0068:

[cattracker16]

Oh boy i guess ya just cannot be kicking things around.

[Soupy_1us]

> A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an
>>hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink
>>and gulps it down in one swig.
>>
>>The poor little guy starts crying.
>>
>>"Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I

>>can't stand to see a grown man crying."
>>
>>"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I
>>can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting,
>>so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car
was
>>stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but,
after
the
>>cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I
found
my
>>wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this
bar
>>trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you
show
>>up and drink the darn poison!!!:confused0056: :confused0024:

[Soupy_1us]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiplebruises, two black eyes,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,
we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's
monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my
wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!

I don't remember much after that...":confused0024:

[Soupy_1us]

>
>
> On their way to get married, a young Catholic
> couple was involved in a
> fatal car accident. The couple found
> themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
> for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
> waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly
> get married in Heaven?
>
> When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they
> could get married in heaven.
> St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the
> first time anyone has asked. Let
> me go find out," and he left.
>
> The couple sat and waited for an answer... for
> a couple of months.
>
> While they waited, they discussed the pros and
> cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven,
> should they get married, what with the eternal
> aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we
> stuck in Heaven together forever?"
>
> Another month passed. St. Peter finally
> returned, looking somewhat
> bedraggled.
>
> "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get
> married in Heaven."
>
> "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just
> wondering; what if things
> don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
> Heaven?"
>
> St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his
> clipboard on the ground.
>
> "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
>
> "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took
> me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have
> ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???" :icon_mad::icon_mad::confused0018:

[Timotha7]

LOL Good one Soups!~

[Soupy_1us]

> >>>> > > > 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's
> >>>> > > > work boots, used, size 14-16.
> >>>> > > > 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy
> >>>> > > > of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
> >>>> > > > 3 Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
> >>>> > > > magazine.
> >>>> > > > 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
> >>>> > > > Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
> >>>> > > > I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up
> >>>> > > > from the slaughterhouse. Back in an hour. Don't mess
> >>>> > > > with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them,
> >>>> > > > but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
> >>>> > > > him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
> >>>> > > > but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
> >>>> > > > Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
> >>>> > > > wait out here on the porch.
> >>>> > > > "Cooter"

> >>>> > > :confused0068:

[Rainman4u2]

I think that may work anywhere Soupy.

Ray

[Soupy_1us]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

WOW," the social worker exclaims," are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy" "OK, and who's next?" "Well,
this one, he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Leroy?"


Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy!"

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

I call them by their last names."

[Soupy_1us]

>> >>
>> >> I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I
>> >> gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the
>> >> money
>> >> back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She
>> >> became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what
she
>> >> was
>> >> doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back
>> >> again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This
>> >> actually happened in Austin at MoPac Boulevard and Parmer Lane.
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >> I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for
a
>> >> Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a
little
>> >> chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
>> >> buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"
She
>> >> handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one
of
>> >> them
>> >> shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and
>> >> said, "Where?"
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us!
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which
>> >> direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
>> >> waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the
>> >> north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and
>> >> has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep
up
>> >> with
>> >> that stuff."
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us!!
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One
day I
>> >> got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
center was
>> >> open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7
>> >> days
>> >> a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting
>> >> to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us!
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut
through a
>> >> seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us!
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >> My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were
>> >> discounted 10%.Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
>> >> cashier
>> >> multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us!
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went
to
> the
>> >> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed
>> >> up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
>> >> professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has
>> >> your plane arrived yet?"
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us!
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
>> >> pizza
>> >> to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like
>> >> it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before
>> >> responding. "Just cut it int o 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
> enough
>> >> to eat 6 pieces."
>> >>
>> >> Yep, They Walk Among Us!.
>> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >>
>> >> They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL.....they
>> >> VOTE!
>> >> :confused0024:

[Soupy_1us]

REDNECK VASECTOMY...
> >
> > A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks,
> >
> > had 9 children.
> >
> >
> >
> > They went to the doctor to see about getting
> >
> > the husband "fixed".
> >
> >
> >
> > The doctor gladly started the required procedure
> >
> > and asked them what finally made them make
> >
> > the decision--why after nine children,
> >
> > would they choose to do this.
> >
> >
> >
> > The husband replied that they had read in a
> >
> > recent article that one out of every ten children
> >
> > being born in the United States was Mexican,
> >
> > and they didn't want to take a chance on having
> >
> > a Mexican baby because neither of them could
> >
> > speak Spanish.




and I think I know this guy !

[Soupy_1us]

Golfers' Warning -- DON'T SKIP CHURCH!

Rev. Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided
he just had to play golf.


So -- he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick

and asked him to do the morning service for him that day.

As soon as he hung up the phone, he headed out of town

to a golf course about forty miles away so he wouldn't

accidentally meet anyone he knew.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was

Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord

while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're

not going to let him get away with this, are you?

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Rev. Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards

the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,

"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled, and replied, "Who's he going to tell?":confused0024:

[Soupy_1us]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?""Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer."And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?""Sure is, Bubba.""And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?""Yep.""And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?""That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?""Well, I was thinkin ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?" :confused0024::confused0024:

[gofish]

didnt mind the sleepin part myself soupy......it was the wakin up that bothered me lol

[Soupy_1us]

Scary wasn't it....................

[gofish]

not fer long......i run real fast when i gotta lol

[Soupy_1us]

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about

churches around the country. He started by flying to

San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking

photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall

and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a

minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and

the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in

fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price

he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin,

Michigan, Chicago, Minnesota, and around the United

States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Kentucky. Upon entering a

church in Tompkinsville. Behold, he saw the usual

golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the

country and in each church I have found this golden

telephone and have been told it is a direct line to

Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other

churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign

reads 25 cents a call. Why?" I just love this part------ The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in

Kentucky now; it's a local call." :icon_cool:

[Soupy_1us]

There was an old cowhand, who owned a small ranch in Montana.
The Montana Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to
his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and
board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week
plus free room and board. Then there is the half-wit who works about 18
hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a
bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[Soupy_1us]

Who says we're not conservation-conscious?

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud. :party0045:

[wewamohawk]

hay soupy thats real good 41 miles to one gallons beer if i could get that kind of gas with my car i would be a happy camper ;;;maurice ps how is ms soupy doing ;;;

[Soupy_1us]

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than one.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and often.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.Then walk beside you in the front of the crowd.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you are not home they will wait.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their Southern Friends!
"Life is Short :icon_biggrin:

[Soupy_1us]

Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is
truly interesting...



In 1986, Mike Members was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike
worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put
down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the Mike, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
walked away. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mike and his son Tom were standing. The large bull
elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at
the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the
same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made
his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.


<snicker> :icon_eek: :confused0056:

[wewamohawk]

good story soupy i sure liked it ;;;maurice

[Soupy_1us]

Whenever you are having a rough day, try this stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm
rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. You can feel both your hands dangling in the cool
running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain
air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place
called "The World".
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily
make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.

Works for me !

[Soupy_1us]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Timotha7]

NOW THAT IS FUNNY!
I could actually see that happening

[Soupy_1us]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________

[gofish]

now that there was funny ...good uns soupy

[wewamohawk]

i sure think that was funny keep up the storys soupy ;;;maurice

[Soupy_1us]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." :confused0024:

[wewamohawk]

that was good soupy just keep on doing what you are doing i like reading your writeings;;;maurice

[Soupy_1us]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[Soupy_1us]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and
life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started :confused0056: :icon_eek: :evilgrin0039:

[Soupy_1us]

About your flue shot!!!!




Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My mother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the a__!"

[gofish]

Nuff Said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Soupy_1us]

Old is when...
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> First you tell your friend you're having an affair.
>>>> Then your friend asks you, "Are you having it catered?"
>>>>
>>>> That, my friend, is the definition of OLD!!!!!
:confused0068::confused0068::confused0068:

[wewamohawk]

good luck soupy i hope you get the big uns ;;;maurice

[Soupy_1us]

In this thread I like to post little things that I had thought was funny....
Lots of times I'll read a joke or someone sends me a funny and I'll post it on here... Just because I find it a little funny....

This time....I Got Pictures....They're Real ! I took them myself.....
It may not be funny to you but, at the time it was to me....
I guess "You just had to be there" !


One morning I had just put out some corn on my Squirrel feeders, as I always do for my little friends that stop by to see me sometimes....
I try to keep some kind of food out for all my little critters around the house... Even Ole " Big Dumb" our Peacock....
Well, this morning was a little different.....As soon as I put the corn on those feeders I had company to stop by...

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/Stories%20and%20Tales/104_04251.jpg

He must have been really hungry that morning,'cause it didn't matter to him how close I got to him to get these pictures...
http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/Stories%20and%20Tales/104_04281.jpg

This little feller just didn't care:

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/Stories%20and%20Tales/104_04291.jpg

I ain't using one of them telephoto lens either.....But, about this time my son hollered at me to come in the shop to help him with some work he was doing....I wasn't gone very long ... Just a minute or two....
And this is what I found when I came out of the shop:

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/Stories%20and%20Tales/103_03711.jpg

Notice the Squirrel feeder is empty.

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/Stories%20and%20Tales/103_03701.jpg

And to this day, I ain't seen my little red buddy anymore.

Don't get me wrong... I ain't trying to out do Ole Turnup....That can't be done !
It's just that I had my camera at the right time and right place this day.

[Timotha7]

That cat wanted that squirrel din't he?? LOL We have a little orange cat named "Balls"
that sat on fence pole in back yard an slept, an I can't count how many times he
jumped on a squirrel bout as big as he was
Never did much but roll around few times and knock his fur and squirrels fur off in big
circle in back yard, Squirrels always got away and sat in tree cussin him out for hours

You always know when one of the cats is out back by the sound of the squirrels

[Soupy_1us]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Darling," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."


A Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet. Amen

[gofish]

:icon_biggrin:now we know why soupys got all them new toys.......all them dolls the missus been makin:icon_biggrin:

[Soupy_1us]

And he says he's savin' his money to up grade to the one with the Cabin on it.
Got_A_Fish... ya might make a deal with Cattracker on his old boat.

[gofish]

well now a while back i found ya one soupy....bigger than the yacht an all camo too:evilgrin0039:

[Soupy_1us]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,staring at it for a moment, leans t o the other Nun and whispers cautiously. "What part did you get"? :confused0068:

[gofish]

good un soupy.......whats the matter didnt like the boat i found ya?

[Soupy_1us]

Yeah... I liked it....Just wish I had it down here for deer season...

[gofish]

could haul a few in that one couldnt ya? lol

[Soupy_1us]

Ok,ok... you guys have finally done it to me....
I'm interested.......or losin' my mind.
We have two real nice lakes here in our area that is full of 'gills and large mouth bass.... One lake is owned by the county (called Moffit Lake) and they charge you a couple of bucks to fish, camp or just to hang out there but, it's got some nice bass and 'gills in it....Good winter time fishing....The other lake is on a game reserve owned by the state... The reserve's name if Higginson & Henry and the Lake's name (get this) "DAISY MAE LAKE", that's what the locals call it but the real name is Lake Mausy. I have fished these lakes years ago and have forgotten how much fun they were, catchin' the little fish.....Reckon ifin' I want to fit in with this group, I'm gonna have to start back fishin' them places....
Now you guys are gonna have to show me how to use them jigs and stuff all over again.

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/Fishing/MoffitLake.jpg As you can see , these lakes aren't too far apart in my county.....Probably can fish both of them in a day or two.

[Soupy_1us]

http://unioncounty.ky.gov/govsvcs/moffit.htm

http://fw.ky.gov/pdf/mauzylake.pdf

Check 'em out for your self...

[Illinoisgiller]

Those two lakes look good soupy.:icon_cool::icon_cool: 8 1/2' B.P.S. Micro-Lite ultralite rod, 4lb mono. Shimano Sedona reel w/Power Pro 8lb. 3lb dia. line on spare spool. Carlisle 838 slip float and large shot for castability. Many light rigs will work good but this is my go-to. lol I'll tie up some tiny jigs to keep you busy till the T.H.E. jigs get in :party0011::party0011:.
Is there much brush in either of those lakes? Mike

[Soupy_1us]

The last time I was out there they looked great....Lake Mausy has "Gravel Pits" I reckon for "spawn" and woods all around it...I'm sure the brush is still there.
Moffit Lake is a large rec. area and they keep it clean (mostly) but. you can find some "off the norm." areas that still has some brush.
I might take my camer out that way today....After the BIG BIRD leaves.

And all that stuff you said in your last post .....in foreign to me.

[cattracker16]

In redneck terms he means dump your big stuff and get some small baitfish rods with a slip float. or atleast that is what i get from what mike has gone and posted.

[gofish]

giller ya went too far.....gotta remember this is soupy.....light ta him is med. heavy spinnin rod an 30lb braid lol.......:icon_biggrin:.......soupy try a slip bobber 4 or 5 ft deep with a 2 inch sassy shad an a 1/16 oz jighead........throw er out an when the jig settles start twitchin real gentle like with pauses in tween.....oughtta pick up a few that way.......now ya gonna have ta remember gillers sendin ya some lil stuff.......bout half this size....lol.....gonna need a 6ft or better rod an spinnin reel rated fer 1/32 to 1/8 oz......slap some 10 lb power pro on it an yer good......catchin bait!!!!!:evilgrin0039:

[Soupy_1us]

Keep talkin' boys.... I'm takin' notes....

Slip Bobber ? is that like Juggin' ?

1/32 weights? I don't think that will carry my 50lb stuff.....Have to have a lot of current to carry that out away from the RedNeck Yacht.



Reckon I see a trip to Wal-Mart after dinner today.

[Illinoisgiller]

Sure don't want to argue with the "fisherman's fiserman' but I want to see those gills that hit 2" sassy shads in the winter.:confused0068: lol Oh ,you might be refering to crappie. lol :party0011::party0011::party0011: I'm betting that soupy will find something that works for those fiesty "baiters" lol
I have found that there are times that a wax worm dangling off the end of a jig works wonders. But then--- there are times when it don't. They call it fishing, lol Mike

[gofish]

giller hes kinda likin a kid.....picked a bait he might recognize "shad" an somethin that oughtta keep him purty busy catchin fish.....bass crappie an such.......were workin at gittin him ta lil stuff.....leave the gills ta you lol

soupy........IM FLUSHIN !!!!!! daggum river went up 4 ft overnight....ruined my plans fer the weekend......gonna have ta go "bait:" fishin myself now.lol

[Soupy_1us]

I know this is goin' to be like : Teachin' a Hog to sing... Drives you crazy and annoys the Hog..


I did find what a Slip Bobber looks like. But, my 50 lb stuff won't fit it.....
I know I'm gonna have to go to Wal-Mart after dinner now.

[Soupy_1us]

giller hes kinda likin a kid.....picked a bait he might recognize "shad" an somethin that oughtta keep him purty busy catchin fish.....bass crappie an such.......were workin at gittin him ta lil stuff.....leave the gills ta you lol

soupy........IM FLUSHIN !!!!!! daggum river went up 4 ft overnight....ruined my plans fer the weekend......gonna have ta go "bait:" fishin myself now.lol


The Ohio is droppin' like a rock !
Done dropped almost two feet in two days.

[Soupy_1us]

In redneck terms he means dump your big stuff and get some small baitfish rods with a slip float. or atleast that is what i get from what mike has gone and posted.

Dump my big stuff????? Don't think so................Them 'gills are just gonna have to grow bigger !

[Soupy_1us]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or
friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in
the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest
there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became
lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was
eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to
the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in
place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long,
but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered
around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul .
As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise
theLord,''Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before- from Genesis all the way to Revelation.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my
car.
As I was opening the door
and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying
to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before, and I've
been putting in septic tanks for more than twenty years." :confused0024:

[gofish]

nuther good un soupy lol

[Illinoisgiller]

Now that was funny. I can just picture that happening.ROLF Mike

[Soupy_1us]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.


He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"



The boy replied, "What turkey?"



The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."



The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"



The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"



The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!" :party0011:

[Illinoisgiller]

I like that lad!!!!!!

[Soupy_1us]

Sounds like he might be from around here.

[gofish]

would his name be soupy?

[Soupy_1us]

Could've been....

[Soupy_1us]

I know I shouldn't have done this but, ya gotta love this guy....
I was going over some old post and found this one..
Ain't no better way to advertise the WIF web site:

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p115/Soupy_1us/IMG_9816.jpg ... Way ta go 'giller ! This should be on the WIF RV !

[Illinoisgiller]

Note to self- Don''t EVER do anything like that again.lol Halloween is over soupy.Mike

[Soupy_1us]

Sticking the sticker to the forehead was funny, letting me see it was dumb... :)
I've got it saved to my files now....

[Soupy_1us]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it. :confused0068:

[Schoe]

Man Soupy, you hit the nail on the head with this one. Don't tell my wife I said that. Ha, Ha. Schoe

[gofish]

got it right again soupy.....slap a hat on my head in the morn an my hairs dun fer the day lol

[Soupy_1us]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the
ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I
was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think
you're going?"
> >
> >
> > (You're gonna love this...)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Illinoisgiller]

doggone it soupy, I needed that laugh this morning.:party0011: You sure find some gooduns. lol Mike

[Soupy_1us]

That's what I'm here for........Just to make your day a little lighter....
Or to be the : Town Clown !
Every site has got to have one.:confused0024:

[capt.kirk]

Good one there Soupy,with that after reading the walleyes in a blizzard
story im set for the day.:evilgrin0039: Kirk

[cattracker16]

Now that there is funny i don't care who you are.

[Soupy_1us]

This is what marriage is really all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(This is great)

**********



"THE TEETH."

[gofish]

speechless:confused0089::happy0194:

[capt.kirk]

Good one Soupy:icon_eek: Kirk

[Soupy_1us]

: IRISH NUNS


Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,staring at it for a moment, leans t o the other Nun and whispers cautiously. "What part did you get"?



I know: Shame on me !

[Soupy_1us]

I don't remember who sent them to me or if I have posted them already.. But, if they're good enuff, I'll post them again .....and these are good enuff !







1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher
a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.

3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar
.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to
answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now
.. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE #1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up
and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and
continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my
shoe?"
6) POLICE #2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,
was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As
I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth
fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party
.. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father
always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the
hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf
that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found, "
the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's
underwear.

[Screen]

Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Soupy_1us]

THE DUMB YANKEE.........................

This Yankee from Massachusetts was hiking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

????*?`*???:?:???*?`*????

[Illinoisgiller]

Good one soupy, Good to know you are out of those blankets you were wrapped up in. Getting cold here, I'm ready to wrap up. lol Mike

[troutrageous1]

THE DUMB YANKEE.........................

I resemble that remark!:evilgrin0039:

[capt.kirk]

Mike ,I bet you got some Red Neck in ya some where,show us a pitcure
of your yard and garage :icon_eek: Kirk

[troutrageous1]

Kirk - The only Redneck I've got is if I forget the sunscreen. Seriously, I live in a condo with a 1-car garage and drive a Subaru Forester. Unfortunately, the family dog is a Pug, not a 'Coon Hound. I do have a beer fridge in that garage, stocked with Bud & Bud Light. Maybe that counts for something. on the Redneck-o-meter. Probably not. :confused0024:

It's funny though - around here, my friends call me a redneck because I'll watch an occasional NASCAR race and like to fish...

[capt.kirk]

I knew it would come out,NASCAR :party0045::party0011::party0045:Kirk

[troutrageous1]

Yeah, but I'm a Montoya fan.

[Soupy_1us]

Everybody has got a little Redneck in them ! (Beer in Fridge)

[Soupy_1us]

When I was 12, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 15 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and v ery energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.:confused0024:

[cattracker16]

Everybody has got a little Redneck in them ! (Beer in Fridge)


Who needs a fridge when it's this doggone cold outside i jus set mine in garage. current temp 6* :sign0011:

[Soupy_1us]

Thanks to all !
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pr icked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late :evilgrin0031::confused0018::evilgrin0039:

[Illinoisgiller]

Good one soupy, I think I recieved every one of those emails and will forward them to all my friends when I get one.:confused0024: lol Mike

[Soupy_1us]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" :confused0024: :confused0024:

[Soupy_1us]

Two Kids

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

[Soupy_1us]

Most often asked question from my friends: What do you do with all that
time, now that you are retired? I'm here to clear it up . . . ..

The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there
for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, 'Come on, man, how about
giving a retired person a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus.

The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said,
'Hillary in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important to my health :party0045::party0011::party0045:

[gofish]

that ones worth its wieght in gold soupy lol

[cattracker16]

yepper it is. good one.

[Soupy_1us]

http://www.flixxy.com/speed-bump.htm


I hope this works...

[Schoe]

Dam Soupy, I need one of them on our dead end street. Some folks come down through here like their rear end is on fire and we have a lot of little kids and dogs on this block. That thing sure would slow them down and keep me from getting my behind kicked for yelling at them to slow down. Schoe

[cattracker16]

COOOOOOOL i'm next but i wanna use schoe's truck

[Schoe]

Thanx buddy, Schoe

[Soupy_1us]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and aKENTUCKY GENTLEMAN are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.


'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',


says the Genie.



The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .'



POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.



Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians


can come into our precious land.'



POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Kentuckian says, 'I am very curious.


Please tell me more about this wall.'



The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;


it's virtually impenetrable.'



TheKentuckian sits downon his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,


smiles and says,










'Fill it with water.'

[capt.kirk]

ATTA BOY Soupy i would second that emotion :evilgrin0025: Kirk

[Soupy_1us]

Then "stock" it with catfish !

[Soupy_1us]

The graveside service just barely finished, When there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous Bolt Of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man standing by his wife's grave, looked up at the Pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there......"

[Schoe]

Soupy, again I see where you have missed your calling. Schoe

[gofish]

thems some good uns buddy lol

[Illinoisgiller]

Good ones as usual soupy!! Sure enjoy your stories. Mike

[Timotha7]

Love reading through here when just need a lift
Thanks Soupy
Tim

[Soupy_1us]

Subject: New Walmart Employee (This is probably true someplace)



Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning,

sir?'"

[Soupy_1us]

A Frickin' Elephant


Jake is 5 and is learning to read.


He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,


'Look, Mama! It' a frickin' Elephant!!!'



Deep breath...



'What did you call it??!!'



'It's a frickin Elephant, Mama!


It says so on the picture!'



and so it does...



A-F-R-I-C-A-N elephant




Hooked on phonics strikes again!

[capt.kirk]

Another Jewel from one of the Soggy Bottom Boys,thats a good
one there Soupy!!!!!!!!!!!! Kirk

[Soupy_1us]

Yep, I screwed up again.... I had just posted a message tp this forum, from a guy in Japan, "it was from my other web site" so we might give this guy a good answer but, leave it up to me to "screw" it up.....Yep... I did. I , somehow posted his question in
"Conservation Issues (http://www.whereifish.com/thepond/forumdisplay.php?f=40)" don't ask me why 'cause it's just the way I do things.. Just answer his question and don't say nuttin' to me....:icon_eek:

[gofish]

now hes tellin us weall cant pick on him capn.........:confused0024:

[capt.kirk]

He aint got no Exemption for that Joe,lol he hit me 100 times. Kirk

[Soupy_1us]

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted
to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened
to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.'

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof.
I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly Kentucky ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed . 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night '

Get'er done !!!!!!

[jason454ci]

Glad yer stayin in the motel at KY Lake again and not the cabin or I might be just a little concerned. :icon_biggrin:

[Soupy_1us]

Glad yer stayin in the motel at KY Lake again and not the cabin or I might be just a little concerned. :icon_biggrin:


I think you're gonna be safe.......Not looking good for the Soups and the misses this time around.....Not gonna say for sure yet but, it's looking like we're gonna have to pass this time. :confused0024:

[jason454ci]

Well I sure hope ya can make it. Sure hate to come all the way down to Kentucky and not get to see ole Soupy.

[capt.kirk]

Well again i will belive it when i dont see him,Like i told Gofish,I will
kiss a monkeys butt iffn they dont show up least for a week end:confused0024: Kirk

[Illinoisgiller]

Soupy, If things change and you are able to make it:icon_cool:, please contact me first.
If you would hide for a bit, I'll find a monkey for Kirk to demonstrate on.:evilgrin0039::party0011::party0011::party0045: :party0045: ROLF Mike

[Soupy_1us]

'giller said: Soupy, If things change and you are able to make it:icon_cool:, please contact me first.

Now, that has got me worried!...

We are in a wait and see mode right now. After these storms the other night, we have found several things around here that have "GOT" to be fixed or replaced.... At this time , it's just not looking good for KY Lake or any type of vacation for us this year.
As I have said before on here .. We have got two houses to build.. My son has started his and me and mom are still trying to make up our minds how we are going to go.. Build or buy ! .. Well, this weather has moved our dead line up about a year...
'nother words.....we gonna have to do sumpthin' soon or I'm gonna have to move in with the Capt. or somebody .

[highrider]

A little ohio humor

Good:



A Fremont , OH policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)








Better:






A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Canton , OH . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.








3) Absolute Best:






A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Ohio State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied " Ohio State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car

[Soupy_1us]

Yep.... That's sum good'uns !

[Soupy_1us]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby
if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to
catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed
into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette
I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your
season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the
monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
.
.
.
.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The cabby said, 'I'd cover his behind with that blanket before he catches
a cold. :confused0024:

[capt.kirk]

Good one Soupy,it just goes back to that ole saying Gas Grass or :icon_eek:
No body rides for free.!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except in this case :confused0024: Kirk

Soup,just fill in the blanks on what im thinkin bout this:evilgrin0025:

[Soupy_1us]

>>> Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher.
>>> After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and
>>> be prayed over.
>>>
>>> Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.
>>>
>>> When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"
>>>
>>> Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
>>>
>>> So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's right ear and his left hand
>>> on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger
>>> in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some
>>> more.
>>>
>>> After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says,"Bubba
>>> how's your hearing now?"
>>>
>>> Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it ain't til next Wednesday

[Soupy_1us]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Timotha7]

Now that is FUNNY! ^
Nothing like a "Grandma" to tell it like it is, and I can say that for a fact, cuz I am
always hearing it from Beenie!

[gofish]

yep,kinda sounds like my granma lol....still beats on me every time i see her lol

[cattracker16]

LOl that's a good one there. I'm just glad he didn't ask if she knew me.

[Soupy_1us]

Kentucky Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. :icon_eek:
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. :icon_razz:
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in...
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. :icon_biggrin:
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. :confused0068:
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. :evilgrin0039:
8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy , can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room. :confused0024:
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon

And.... The best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up :confused0056:

[Soupy_1us]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and
your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.


When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
:confused0068:

[Soupy_1us]

An old Southern Baptist Country Preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible
A Silver Dollar
A Bottle of Whiskey
A Playboy Magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, " and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If its' the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
Would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the House whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
Spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle
And took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have Mercy!" the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna be a Congressman!"

[Soupy_1us]

>
> When Cardboard Men Come In Handy



> A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
> The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
> She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
> The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
> It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
> The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled Vehicle yelling, 'What's going